disclaimer: there will be bad words and offensive stuff. so if you're overly sensitive, then stop reading right now. after you've read this, you can't bash me or yell at me or criticize because I WARNED YOU. unless if you're really into the whole "let's read stuff that i shouldn't so i can leave meaningless comments', then congratulations! you've found the right blog! you should make me a pie :) except i hate pie. brownies are better.
disclaimer 2: i don't actually want to offend anybody (unless if you like getting offended), so i apologize in advance if i do, and ask that you don't take it too seriously.
GREETINGS.
I'm Jessica.
Apparently we're going to be writing blogs in my English 271 class next quarter, and since I rarely do my homework, I figured I'd get a head start on this so when I inevitably forget to do it, I'll have a back up.
My first blog post will be about Christmas.
No, not Xmas, or CHRISTmas, mainly because I always tend to spell the two wrong---and then atheists, Christians and Christina Aguilera fans will come and punch me in the kidneys---but Christmas. The holiday when I inexplicably spend an assload of money on presents that nobody likes, we get a tree that my dog will inevitably pee on, and I'll burn the roof of my mouth baking cookies for other ungrateful people.
Therefore, Christmas isn't that great of a time for me. That, and the fact that it's so red everywhere makes me think of China. Or that time I accidentally blinded myself with an LED flashlight and could only see red and black for the next ten minutes. Which awkwardly enough, made me feel like I was in one of those weird Eastern European movies where everybody's doing roofies or something, and then there's this mad sex orgy and all of a sudden, David Hasselhoff pops up and everybody jumps for joy since I hear he's pretty big over there.
Anyways.
So this is my first year celebrating Christmas as an agnostic person. Basically, I'm agnostic because I finally read the bible (after 10 years of lying and saying that I did), and found the whole thing kind of nutty. But at the same time, I'm kind of hoping that when I die, there's a heaven and I'll finally be able to meet Napoleon and punch him in the face because he was so boring that I didn't pay attention the whole time we were studying him and then I failed my Euro History test. But I've been told that's not really a good reason to be either a believer or a non-believer, so we'll just stick with agnostic until maybe I'm 55 and I have an epiphany and I'll stand on the street clutching a rosary and wearing a funny hat shouting "JESUS LOVES YOU SO MUCH CHILD! BLESS YOU!"
Oh wait, that's a nun. What the hell was I originally writing about?
Christmas.
And that stupid debate that's going on. Should we say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays".
Well. For one thing, Christmas IS a holiday, or did I miss the memo that it wasn't? We get presents, we sings songs, and most times, we eat cake. That constitutes as a holiday in my book. Actually, today, I had a slice of chocolate cake, opened up a small gift, and sang a song.
Okay, so fine, it wasn't a holiday but it was my mommy's birthday yesterday and we all passed out after shoving in food at the buffet the way only asians can.
But regarding Christmas, isn't Christmas a holiday? To me at least, I've never celebrated Christmas in a religious sense. Last year, I went to Catholic mass for the first time, and while I'm sure the pastor said a lot of inspirational stuff (actually, it had NOTHING to do with Jesus, the whole time he was turning the lights on and off and basically droning on about conserving electricity) but I was focused on the choir. It was full of old people who've clearly never rehearsed or sung before. And then of course, I couldn't hold my laughter and my equally agnostic brother started laughing and then the bench started shaking and my mom turned to us with this evil eye and told us to "get the fuck out. NOW!"
Excuse me, mother, but I don't think Jesus ever told anybody to GTFO.
But Christmas isn't the only holiday in December. We have a whole bunch!
Christmas: Where we celebrate the birth of a guy who may or may not have been David Copperfield's arch-enemy. I like Jesus. He seems like a really chill guy, helping the poor, healing the sick, feeding those who don't have good, basically doing everything the Tea Party is against. So while I may not really believe, Jesus is a cool guy and if there is a rapture, I'll go give him a fist bump before I burn in hell. Or not. He supposedly loves everybody too. Which makes him all the cooler. Also, he's the reason why we have Easter candy.
Eid: I honestly don't know anything about it except it's a Muslim holiday. At IHOP, where I work, 30 people came in on a Sunday morning and asked to sit together, and we nearly died working on this. So I'm on the fence if I want to celebrate Eid or not.
Hannukah: I like the story of Hannukah, especially since it fits in with the stereotype of miserly Jews. And I admire them for it. Clearly, if they can make one day of oil last eight days, they're doing something right. Made respect. Maybe we should do that. The other day, we used a ton of oil to fry egg rolls for Thanksgiving (yes, we had egg rolls on Thanksgiving), and now we have an entire pot of oil to use. Is there a Jewish oil bank I can deliver this to?
Yule: I think we celebrate the Buche de Noel here, the most difficult cake to make. Seriously, what's wrong with a cupcake? Why does your cake have to be in the shape of a TREE?
I can't remember the rest of the holidays, but there's tons. Like, TONS.
Therefore, I'm not getting the whole Merry Christmas thing. Not everybody celebrates Christmas, and we should acknowledge that. Just like not everybody celebrates Hannukah, but you don't hear Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond running around going "SAY HAPPY HANNUKAH SHALOM LATKE OR I KILL YOU BITCH. YOU BURN IN HELL". So deal with it. We acknowledge that there's more than one holiday in December.
On the other hand, I fully support putting the CHRIST back in Christmas. If only people weren't so annoying about it. Heck, with the way some people state it, it makes me want to change CHRISTmas into NUTELLAmas, just to piss people off.
But I agree that Christmas should be the celebration of Jesus and his birth. Although I've heard that he was actually born in the spring. The holiday was started because of Christianity and should remain that way. Christians do deserve a time to reflect and share their faith (just please don't do it with me) and Christmas should be their time. We shouldn't ban Nativities, or Christmas masses, or the annoying Salvation Army bell because of their beliefs. That's what this country was founded on, freedom of religion. I use it for my own personal freedom FROM religion. I ignore the pamphlet passer-outers and turn my music up when preachy people come by. I work on the weekends instead of going to church. But that's just me. I like hearing about people going to church on Christmas, and I like asking them about the lessons when they come into IHOP afterwards. People are free to worship as they might (y'all should worship ME), and Christmas should be a time for that.
However, I do believe that the secular Christmas that we celebrate should also be recognized. What the fuck does a fat creeper who breaks into people's homes have to do with Jesus? Or a decorated tree that cost me too much? Or my brother's Xbox? Now, my West Side Story tickets I'm getting are FREAKIN' RELIGIOUS, so I agree with that. But penguins wearing little scarves and hats and fudge have nothing to do with the admittedly beautiful story of the Son of God. We need to separate the two.
Just take the songs. Silent Night is a religious song, about the peaceful night Christ was born.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is about an annoying old hag who clearly was part of a PETA conspiracy theory.
So basically, my opinion is, Christians should celebrate their Christmas, we should celebrate ours, Happy Holidays is a greeting of joy that wishes people well, not harm, and we should be tolerant of ALL holidays celebrated this time.
Except for any holiday that makes people feel like they can bring their entire family of 183752 people to IHOP at the busy hour. DO YOU NOT HAVE SOULS?
Oh, and as a final word?
I say "Happy Holidays". Just be glad I'm not saying "I HATE YOU SO MUCH DIIIE IN A HOLE" as I often wish to.
Everybody have a good hot chocolate drinking season!
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